Grace

I've never been able to fully understand God's grace. Yesterday, I fell back into a habitual sin I havent attempted in years and I felt ashamed. Where most people regret or feel bad for their wrong actions, I felt the world's weight of dissappointment and judgement. For those of you that don't know, I am my worst critic. As a child, I did not need punishment, because the punishment I was giving myself was so much worse. I never needed anyone to provide consequences, because the consequences in my head were so upsetting. Then, there is grace. My head knowledge tells me that My God loves me unconditionally, My head knowledge continues to tell me that My God suffered for my sins on the cross and that I don't need to feel shame for my sins. So why do I? Why can't I accept Grace?

Jesus poured out his blood for the forgiveness of sins. I need to accept this again with my heart to believe that while I was not worthy, Jesus did it anyways. Grace is something I just experienced recently and yet I am so quick to forget. In spite of resigning and backing down from a teaching position, God provided peace and joy to fill my heart.

Today, I have the privilege to go on two interviews and I feel so unworthy of either of them. So, I am choosing to lay down the lies that surround me and believe that it is not about what we do or don't do, My God loves me UNCONDITIONALLY and blesses his children even if they don't deserve it. It is not about my works, but in God's grace he provides.

"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me." 2 Corinthians 12:9

Commitment Issues

My whole life I'm always searching for the next big adventure. I've had the privilege of living in 4 cities in Michigan and a different state. I'm entering this next phase of my life where I am grounding myself for the next 10-15 years. We recently purchased a house in Troy. When I think about my house, I think of updating and reinvating and many years to come in this home. I'm excited for the memories of holidays and babies and working on a house together. However, when reality sinks in, I realize that my heart wants our house to look fantastically glamorous right now and the idea of waiting 10-15 years for changes makes me sad. That is why I am trusting God with my finances to provide what we need. I have started making my needs vs. wants list. Hopefully, my heart and mind will settle with little projects over time.

Life's newest challenge

In the past month, I started a new challenge. I accepted a position with a charter school to teach middle school. However, within the first week of this job it became clear that this job has become unhealthy for me spiritually, emotionally and physically. I soon realized that my beliefs about teaching and the system in which this school is operating were two different things and if I continued to stay I would be fighting this system. In my beliefs, students need to be engaged and learning and respect needs to be present. After many lies and fears of failure and prayers for God to reveal himself and my place in this position, I felt that the best thing for me to do was to resign. Since then, I am continuing to learn from this experience about middle school students and how I can improve as a teacher. I still love students, enough to know that if I continued my position, I may not love what I do any longer. I am currently searching and praying for my place in this world. A place to love others and humbly serve. So many passions come to mind kids, photography, babies, school, and people, but only God knows which direction I will go. I am hoping to trust in the plan's God has for me.

"Thought that I was all alone,

Broken and afraid,

But You were there with me,

Yes, You were there with me.

And I didn't even know,

That I had lost my way,

But You were there with me

Even though the journey's long

And I know the road is hard

Well, the One who's gone before me

He will help me carry on

After all that I've been through

Now I realize the truth

That I must go through the valley To stand upon the mountain of God"

~Third Day