Anticipation

This past week has been difficulty in many ways.

#1 While I've been going at a energy level of 40-50% over Christmas break, it was difficult to then be functioning at 100%.

#2 The early wake ups and late nights are a killer..for some reason I get really tired around 5-6 but do not nap for fear of not falling asleep at night, but then the tiredness passes and I get my second wind at 9-10 at night.

#3 I have had a nightly activity that has kept me out until 9 every night this week

#4 I sprained my left foot earlier in the week and was forced to hobble around on the only good foot I have left...everyone else thinks I'm being over dramatic, hence no doctor visits

#5 My nephew, Drew, is staying with us all weekend through Tuesday, so I will not be resting, relaxing or any of the sort to refuel.

#6 The weather dramatically altered my lovely hour ride to work to make it 2hrs and 15 minutes HOME one night and a 1hr and 30 minutes to Work the next day...Oh SNOW!

#7 Grocery shopping on a sprained foot for an 1hr.

With all of these so called challenges during the week, I have been broken down. I have found myself wounded up in tears several times over these challenges and anticipation which I will discuss in a minute. I just feel that the transition from nothing to everything was to quick and I was unable to respond. I was unable to cope, so I just resulted in tears that released the stress, emotion, and defeat I was feeling.

But I can't choose to be defeated, I must find strength and energy in my Savior. I need to be filled with the Spirit.

This brings me to my anticipation. During Break, I began to realize that my world is quickly going to change, no I'm not having a baby, but I am taking 2 grad classes on top of working full time. Now I'm a busy person, but this seems like an overwhelming challenge. As I look into the future, I see no rest, no free time, my world will be work, come home read and write papers. I got the information for my first class and I don't even know how I am going to keep up with this first class demand work load, let alone when this other class comes along. But I can't stress, it won't make the situation any better. I can't worry, it won't change what is. So I am forced to wait, wait for the fast shooting bullet that is headed my way and I can't do anything to stop or get it to change direction. That is the worst feeling to see something bad about to happen and not be able to fix it. I feel that is where the additional feelings are really the result of.

So I write this on my last day of freedom, because I do not know when I will be able to come up for air again and breathe, but I will leave reflecting on this:

"Faith is living without scheming. It is obeying God in spite of feelings, circumstances, or consequences, knowing He is working out His perfect plan in His ways and in His time." Warren W. Wiersbe

I'm along for the ride, I just need to hold on tight and trust

Why do I not accept Grace?

After much thought and reflection, I realized that I am so quick to forget grace, even after I have been given it so much throughout my life. I was so concerned with making things happen for myself and taking control of my life that I was not trusting God. I didn't want to drudge through lowering my pride, admitting failure, and accepting Grace. I realized that I need to TRUST. I need to trust in God and his plan for my life, even if I can not see anything happening. I am choosing to embrace my reality instead of fighting it. All I have been doing is focusing on what I don't have instead of what I do have. This year I want to be intentional about finding joy in my current situation.

"But he was pierced for our transgressions, he was crushed for our iniquities; the punishment that brought us peace was upon him, and by his wounds we are healed." Isaiah 53:5

A New Year 2010

This morning I began reflecting over the past year and I began to cry. I started to remember all of the lost hopes, dreams and passions that were never fulfilled in my life. The dream of educating children in my own classroom and the desire to become a mother. I continued to cry as I recalled the endless conversations with friends and family members during this break about my life. I feel that my whole break included trying to convince people that I am grateful and blessed to have the things that I do, when in reality I am depressed and wanting more.

What I know to be true is that my God is fighting for me and has a plan for my life. But my heart is so quick to forget because it feels that God has no plan for me and is going to leave me in this standstill of life forever. How can I trust in a plan that I don't see going anywhere? Has my mind been so clouded with lies that I can even believe truth?

I'm so quick to make things happen for myself because I don't truly believe that God will move me where I want to go. I wonder if this state of hell (Detroit) is in has so much consumed me that I cant see a way out. I can think of countless friends and family that are in a standstill, fearful of loosing jobs, have lost their jobs, or hate their jobs but it's the only alternative. Have I been disillusioned by this sight that I don't believe God can redeem us all? Maybe he wants to condemn us all to learn something, but what does he want me to learn in all of this? Haven't I already learned it?

I just don't know how many more days I can ask God to take these unfulfilled desires away from me and make my heart more like his. I know he hears these prayers, why not take action. I look back at 2009 and most of what I can remember is pain. Now I would be a total cynic if I said all pain, b/c there were a lot of beautiful God directed moments and I am eternally grateful. But I feel my concern is, on the first day of this new year, am I due for a second round of pain or will God save me from my distraught, and deep down I'm not sure how much more I can endure apart from the help of my Savior.

But I will say that in 2010, while I never make New Years resolutions, I desire to pursue TRUTH, Righteousness, PURITY, Grace, COMPASSION and ........JESUS. I will not give up on pursuing God's plan for my life, even he chooses not to reveal it to me. Even while I don't understand and can't see him clearly, God has been too apparent in my life for me not to follow him...

My prayer for 2010 is to TRUST :)