This morning I began reflecting over the past year and I began to cry. I started to remember all of the lost hopes, dreams and passions that were never fulfilled in my life. The dream of educating children in my own classroom and the desire to become a mother. I continued to cry as I recalled the endless conversations with friends and family members during this break about my life. I feel that my whole break included trying to convince people that I am grateful and blessed to have the things that I do, when in reality I am depressed and wanting more.
What I know to be true is that my God is fighting for me and has a plan for my life. But my heart is so quick to forget because it feels that God has no plan for me and is going to leave me in this standstill of life forever. How can I trust in a plan that I don't see going anywhere? Has my mind been so clouded with lies that I can even believe truth?
I'm so quick to make things happen for myself because I don't truly believe that God will move me where I want to go. I wonder if this state of hell (Detroit) is in has so much consumed me that I cant see a way out. I can think of countless friends and family that are in a standstill, fearful of loosing jobs, have lost their jobs, or hate their jobs but it's the only alternative. Have I been disillusioned by this sight that I don't believe God can redeem us all? Maybe he wants to condemn us all to learn something, but what does he want me to learn in all of this? Haven't I already learned it?
I just don't know how many more days I can ask God to take these unfulfilled desires away from me and make my heart more like his. I know he hears these prayers, why not take action. I look back at 2009 and most of what I can remember is pain. Now I would be a total cynic if I said all pain, b/c there were a lot of beautiful God directed moments and I am eternally grateful. But I feel my concern is, on the first day of this new year, am I due for a second round of pain or will God save me from my distraught, and deep down I'm not sure how much more I can endure apart from the help of my Savior.
But I will say that in 2010, while I never make New Years resolutions, I desire to pursue TRUTH, Righteousness, PURITY, Grace, COMPASSION and ........JESUS. I will not give up on pursuing God's plan for my life, even he chooses not to reveal it to me. Even while I don't understand and can't see him clearly, God has been too apparent in my life for me not to follow him...
My prayer for 2010 is to TRUST :)
What I know to be true is that my God is fighting for me and has a plan for my life. But my heart is so quick to forget because it feels that God has no plan for me and is going to leave me in this standstill of life forever. How can I trust in a plan that I don't see going anywhere? Has my mind been so clouded with lies that I can even believe truth?
I'm so quick to make things happen for myself because I don't truly believe that God will move me where I want to go. I wonder if this state of hell (Detroit) is in has so much consumed me that I cant see a way out. I can think of countless friends and family that are in a standstill, fearful of loosing jobs, have lost their jobs, or hate their jobs but it's the only alternative. Have I been disillusioned by this sight that I don't believe God can redeem us all? Maybe he wants to condemn us all to learn something, but what does he want me to learn in all of this? Haven't I already learned it?
I just don't know how many more days I can ask God to take these unfulfilled desires away from me and make my heart more like his. I know he hears these prayers, why not take action. I look back at 2009 and most of what I can remember is pain. Now I would be a total cynic if I said all pain, b/c there were a lot of beautiful God directed moments and I am eternally grateful. But I feel my concern is, on the first day of this new year, am I due for a second round of pain or will God save me from my distraught, and deep down I'm not sure how much more I can endure apart from the help of my Savior.
But I will say that in 2010, while I never make New Years resolutions, I desire to pursue TRUTH, Righteousness, PURITY, Grace, COMPASSION and ........JESUS. I will not give up on pursuing God's plan for my life, even he chooses not to reveal it to me. Even while I don't understand and can't see him clearly, God has been too apparent in my life for me not to follow him...
My prayer for 2010 is to TRUST :)
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