Anticipation

How is it that the thing you are most anxious about and that causes you the most amount of stress and anxiety is the one thing you can't seem to jump right in and do???

I have wanted to start planning for my lesson observation for 4 days now and every time I think about sitting down to write it I can't seem to do it. I have spent countless hours thinking about which book I am going to use and what standard I am going to cover but it took me forever to get started.

I'm not quite sure why I am so anxious about it. If nothing else, I feel the most comfortable teaching literacy and being able to teach 3rd grade. So what exactly is making me on edge? Is it the worry of what happens if I get the job? Or what happens if I don't get the job? Maybe my body is sick of always being on edge with these countless job interviews. Don't get me wrong, I am so eternally grateful for every opportunity God has provided for me. I just feel that my body is on constant standby. I have no permanent residence, no permanent job and it has been like this for 3 months. My body wants to let out that breath its been holding for 90 days.

Hopefully by November, I will feel the sigh of relief, until then..I am working hard and keeping straight on the path towards following hard after God, to him be the glory.

Passed!

My official last day of freedom was yesterday. I start working at Wixom as a building sub on Monday and my first task is to help prepare for the MEAP. I also found out that I made it to round 2 with my other interview. I have to preform a lesson and hold a second interview on Tuesday. I wonder how many rounds there are???

So excited for today, Julie came home to see my house and have sister time. I'm glad that I live close enough now to see her often. Larry is golfing with dad. Life is good. My little interior designer is here to decorate/design for my new house.

Enjoy the sun today Michiganders!!

EXTRA! EXTRA! READ ALL ABOUT IT!

I have officially accepted a permanent building sub position at Wixom Elementary School in Walled Lake. This means that I will report everyday to Wixom Elementary to fill in for a teacher or help assist teachers around the building. I hope to be reporting soon. Awaiting paperwork.

In other Good News, we are closing October 30th on our house, just in time to pass out candy to the kiddies and meet new neighbors.

GOD IS GOOD!!!!

"I will exalt you, O Lord, for you lifted me out of the depths" Psalm 31:1

ANXIOUS

In the past 24 hours, I got a job interview, went on a job interview and got a job offer....anxious would be my emotion for the moment. I was offered a permanent building sub position in Walled Lake. I was praising my God for providing opportunities after my resignation. I was praising him for opportunities that allow me to be a part of a school community. But I am anxious......Anxious about the job, about the orientation I have to attend tomorrow, about forwarding my fingerprints from my old employer, but also about the future...I feel as though there is more...what can this be???

I am anxious about our house. I have become Ms. Interior Design decorator. I'm dreaming up curtain idea, color palettes, and reinventing my neutral color house. I can't wait.

I will choose to be calm and trust....

Answered Prayer

The past couple days I have had very specific prayers. The first was for my 2 interviews I had on Wednesday. I was praying for open doors and for God to show me my purpose and his next placement to serve. The first interview I had was to substitute teach in Troy. Since I had been a classroom teacher for two years, they saw favor in me and started my paperwork to sub. The second interview was for a part time Math intervention teacher in Novi. This would have been a great job for me in 5 years, however, only being able to work part time and driving an hour there and back everyday would have been very difficult for me to do, but given an opportunity very hard to turn down. I left super excited and super torn. I told God that if he wanted me to have this job to push me through to the second round, but if this isn't my right placement, close the door now and he answered within hours. God has more in store for me than a part-time, YEAH :).

Yesterday, we had our house inspection. I didn't really know how to feel going into the inspection. I was excited to see our house, since I was forgetting the intricate details of the inside. But, I was also nervous as to what the inspector might find. Larry and I were praying for the inspection to go smoothly and I was praying that we would not find damage over 10,000 that we would have to do right away. Our inspector was the sweetest man ever and kept using the phrase "Bless your heart" which I enjoyed thoroughly from my southern past. He walked around and examined every nook and cranny. Yes we did find little things wrong with the house but no life threatening cases. I felt a wave of emotion as this man is telling me this house which I have grown to love so dearly, has little minor problems such as little cracks and drips. I felt for the first time what a true homeowner must feel. Yes, I have owned a home before, but I felt that I was able to live truly as a guest. A true homeowner wants to care, treat, maintain and grow in the home they choose. That is what I want with this house. Our criteria for houses this time around was very different than our first house and while that scares me that I may regret not having certain upgrades or decorative unique traits, I'm excited to transform this house into a home for a long time with lots of room to grow ;)

Praise God for answered prayers!

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus" (Philippians 4:6-7).

Grace

I've never been able to fully understand God's grace. Yesterday, I fell back into a habitual sin I havent attempted in years and I felt ashamed. Where most people regret or feel bad for their wrong actions, I felt the world's weight of dissappointment and judgement. For those of you that don't know, I am my worst critic. As a child, I did not need punishment, because the punishment I was giving myself was so much worse. I never needed anyone to provide consequences, because the consequences in my head were so upsetting. Then, there is grace. My head knowledge tells me that My God loves me unconditionally, My head knowledge continues to tell me that My God suffered for my sins on the cross and that I don't need to feel shame for my sins. So why do I? Why can't I accept Grace?

Jesus poured out his blood for the forgiveness of sins. I need to accept this again with my heart to believe that while I was not worthy, Jesus did it anyways. Grace is something I just experienced recently and yet I am so quick to forget. In spite of resigning and backing down from a teaching position, God provided peace and joy to fill my heart.

Today, I have the privilege to go on two interviews and I feel so unworthy of either of them. So, I am choosing to lay down the lies that surround me and believe that it is not about what we do or don't do, My God loves me UNCONDITIONALLY and blesses his children even if they don't deserve it. It is not about my works, but in God's grace he provides.

"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me." 2 Corinthians 12:9

Commitment Issues

My whole life I'm always searching for the next big adventure. I've had the privilege of living in 4 cities in Michigan and a different state. I'm entering this next phase of my life where I am grounding myself for the next 10-15 years. We recently purchased a house in Troy. When I think about my house, I think of updating and reinvating and many years to come in this home. I'm excited for the memories of holidays and babies and working on a house together. However, when reality sinks in, I realize that my heart wants our house to look fantastically glamorous right now and the idea of waiting 10-15 years for changes makes me sad. That is why I am trusting God with my finances to provide what we need. I have started making my needs vs. wants list. Hopefully, my heart and mind will settle with little projects over time.