Grace

I've never been able to fully understand God's grace. Yesterday, I fell back into a habitual sin I havent attempted in years and I felt ashamed. Where most people regret or feel bad for their wrong actions, I felt the world's weight of dissappointment and judgement. For those of you that don't know, I am my worst critic. As a child, I did not need punishment, because the punishment I was giving myself was so much worse. I never needed anyone to provide consequences, because the consequences in my head were so upsetting. Then, there is grace. My head knowledge tells me that My God loves me unconditionally, My head knowledge continues to tell me that My God suffered for my sins on the cross and that I don't need to feel shame for my sins. So why do I? Why can't I accept Grace?

Jesus poured out his blood for the forgiveness of sins. I need to accept this again with my heart to believe that while I was not worthy, Jesus did it anyways. Grace is something I just experienced recently and yet I am so quick to forget. In spite of resigning and backing down from a teaching position, God provided peace and joy to fill my heart.

Today, I have the privilege to go on two interviews and I feel so unworthy of either of them. So, I am choosing to lay down the lies that surround me and believe that it is not about what we do or don't do, My God loves me UNCONDITIONALLY and blesses his children even if they don't deserve it. It is not about my works, but in God's grace he provides.

"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me." 2 Corinthians 12:9

Commitment Issues

My whole life I'm always searching for the next big adventure. I've had the privilege of living in 4 cities in Michigan and a different state. I'm entering this next phase of my life where I am grounding myself for the next 10-15 years. We recently purchased a house in Troy. When I think about my house, I think of updating and reinvating and many years to come in this home. I'm excited for the memories of holidays and babies and working on a house together. However, when reality sinks in, I realize that my heart wants our house to look fantastically glamorous right now and the idea of waiting 10-15 years for changes makes me sad. That is why I am trusting God with my finances to provide what we need. I have started making my needs vs. wants list. Hopefully, my heart and mind will settle with little projects over time.

Life's newest challenge

In the past month, I started a new challenge. I accepted a position with a charter school to teach middle school. However, within the first week of this job it became clear that this job has become unhealthy for me spiritually, emotionally and physically. I soon realized that my beliefs about teaching and the system in which this school is operating were two different things and if I continued to stay I would be fighting this system. In my beliefs, students need to be engaged and learning and respect needs to be present. After many lies and fears of failure and prayers for God to reveal himself and my place in this position, I felt that the best thing for me to do was to resign. Since then, I am continuing to learn from this experience about middle school students and how I can improve as a teacher. I still love students, enough to know that if I continued my position, I may not love what I do any longer. I am currently searching and praying for my place in this world. A place to love others and humbly serve. So many passions come to mind kids, photography, babies, school, and people, but only God knows which direction I will go. I am hoping to trust in the plan's God has for me.

"Thought that I was all alone,

Broken and afraid,

But You were there with me,

Yes, You were there with me.

And I didn't even know,

That I had lost my way,

But You were there with me

Even though the journey's long

And I know the road is hard

Well, the One who's gone before me

He will help me carry on

After all that I've been through

Now I realize the truth

That I must go through the valley To stand upon the mountain of God"

~Third Day

My story so far

Click here to watch a video of my life so far...

Identity

The past week, my head has been clouded with thoughts of who am I? What am I contributing to the world? What is my purpose? I had to trust that my identity is in Jesus and that no matter what I do, I will do it for him. He will lead and direct my path.

God has opened up a door for me to teach 8th grade Language Arts. With this decision came joy and peace, knowing that I was called to do this. Now, I am in Grand Rapids for the week for New Teacher Training. In so many ways, I feel like a new teacher. I am having to learn new processes, programs and classroom management for a whole different age group.

I am choosing daily, per minute and sometimes per second to trust in God Almighty. Overwhelming feelings have hit and I am faced with many decisions, I am unsure how to make. God will provide.

Are We there Yet?

I had quite an eventful drive from South Carolina to Michigan. Larry and I both drove our cars full of our stuff up north to Michigan. We drove 6 hours one day and 5 hours the next. I believe it was the most I have ever drove in 2 days. GO ME!!! It was loooooooonnnnnggg and boring following the same SUV for several hours. Not to mention, I almost hit countless deer, got flicked off several times and reflected in the car about how much I am going to miss S.Carolina.

Now, I am in MICHIGAN, and in the city of tomorrow, today big Ol' T-ROY! It doesn't really feel like we moved, it feels like we packed way too much for a long vacation. Its odd going from 2,306 sq. ft in our house to a 12 x 12 room that is now my home for the next month. I am remembering the things I love about Michigan though. I have felt a cool breeze for the first time in 2 years. The one that almost gives you chills, but not quite. I am loving seeing my mom and dad. It feels so good to give them hugs and have a face to face conversation.

Larry starts his new job tomorrow. I am praying for him, that he could rise above and meet the challenges that he may face at Corporate. This is a new job in a new area, where he will have to start over. I know that with God, Larry can achieve his dreams.

Tomorrow, begins more schoolwork. I am waiting for the freedom that will come on Wednesday when my grad schools are done for the semester.

Well, I will keep you posted as to my adventure.

Reflection on South Carolina

Such little time and so much to do! I find myself staring at the clock a lot this week. I feel it is because I usually follow it with where did all the time go. But really, time is never going to be on my side, it is what I am doing with that time that is important. God entrusts us with his timing and his purpose.

I have two days until I move to Michigan. It feels like yesterday I just left. I remember how excited I was to move down to South Carolina and fufill my journey. I hope and trust that I have completed what God had in store for me. Looking around at the table last night at all of the people that have influenced my life in the past two years, I was in awe. Larry and I were truly blessed with great friends, mentors, life influencers, good listeners, and supporters.

Favorite Memories in S.C.
*meeting with Becky and Tony for dinner

*Going to Zumba with Jill and Amanda

*Friends quotes and teaching with Stamie

*Seeing the smiling faces of our small group every Thursday night (loved having a house full of people every week)

*My students

*Friendships that I built with girls in my small group

*Meeting Amanda - my sister from another mother

*New River- great place to be filled

*Charlotte Knights Games

* great conversations with Jill

*Becky/Jill- support

*Going to Uptown concert

*T-Bones

*Chick-fila/Sonic/Harry and Jeans

*Teaching at Cotton Belt

I MISS YOU ALL OF THESE THINGS :(