Why do I not accept Grace?

After much thought and reflection, I realized that I am so quick to forget grace, even after I have been given it so much throughout my life. I was so concerned with making things happen for myself and taking control of my life that I was not trusting God. I didn't want to drudge through lowering my pride, admitting failure, and accepting Grace. I realized that I need to TRUST. I need to trust in God and his plan for my life, even if I can not see anything happening. I am choosing to embrace my reality instead of fighting it. All I have been doing is focusing on what I don't have instead of what I do have. This year I want to be intentional about finding joy in my current situation.

"But he was pierced for our transgressions, he was crushed for our iniquities; the punishment that brought us peace was upon him, and by his wounds we are healed." Isaiah 53:5

A New Year 2010

This morning I began reflecting over the past year and I began to cry. I started to remember all of the lost hopes, dreams and passions that were never fulfilled in my life. The dream of educating children in my own classroom and the desire to become a mother. I continued to cry as I recalled the endless conversations with friends and family members during this break about my life. I feel that my whole break included trying to convince people that I am grateful and blessed to have the things that I do, when in reality I am depressed and wanting more.

What I know to be true is that my God is fighting for me and has a plan for my life. But my heart is so quick to forget because it feels that God has no plan for me and is going to leave me in this standstill of life forever. How can I trust in a plan that I don't see going anywhere? Has my mind been so clouded with lies that I can even believe truth?

I'm so quick to make things happen for myself because I don't truly believe that God will move me where I want to go. I wonder if this state of hell (Detroit) is in has so much consumed me that I cant see a way out. I can think of countless friends and family that are in a standstill, fearful of loosing jobs, have lost their jobs, or hate their jobs but it's the only alternative. Have I been disillusioned by this sight that I don't believe God can redeem us all? Maybe he wants to condemn us all to learn something, but what does he want me to learn in all of this? Haven't I already learned it?

I just don't know how many more days I can ask God to take these unfulfilled desires away from me and make my heart more like his. I know he hears these prayers, why not take action. I look back at 2009 and most of what I can remember is pain. Now I would be a total cynic if I said all pain, b/c there were a lot of beautiful God directed moments and I am eternally grateful. But I feel my concern is, on the first day of this new year, am I due for a second round of pain or will God save me from my distraught, and deep down I'm not sure how much more I can endure apart from the help of my Savior.

But I will say that in 2010, while I never make New Years resolutions, I desire to pursue TRUTH, Righteousness, PURITY, Grace, COMPASSION and ........JESUS. I will not give up on pursuing God's plan for my life, even he chooses not to reveal it to me. Even while I don't understand and can't see him clearly, God has been too apparent in my life for me not to follow him...

My prayer for 2010 is to TRUST :)

God's Precious Gifts

Recently I was reminded just how much God cares for me...


On Monday I was assigned to a middle school. You can understand my apprehension about retreating back into a middle school classroom after my last experience, but I went into the school telling myself this will be different. I started at the office, where I learned that there was no substitute plans left by the teacher at all. So now I am teaching 7th grade and have no plans, great, I thought to myself, they are really leading me towards failure, but I simply looked at the secretary and said, "I will figure something out". Appearing to have confidence has always been something I am very good at to strangers, while on the inside my mind is racing as to what I, a Language Arts major, am going to do for 4 blocks of 7th grade science. I entered the loud and crazy classroom to find another teacher that was holding the fort until I arrived. He quickly suggested a game plan that I hated and quickly said, "Thank you". I was determined to choose what I wanted to do since nothing was left for me. Trying to gain authority over the students who seemed to be shouting out, ignoring me and I believe I heard some "meowing" I did manage to calm them down. It was a breath of relief that I never remember having at my other job.

I put the students right to work seeing if they would actually do it, and for the most part they did. I told myself that I would start with authority and power when the next class walked in, I was determined to get it off on the right foot. I remember middle school, they see a sub and starting cheering with joy and the torturous things they could do to them. However to my dismay in walks a few familiar faces, my old students that I taught during my student teaching. They even recognized me. What joy overcame me to have conversations and hug students that I taught 3 years ago. God truly does care for me and wanted to show me by placing these students paths in my life. Word spread that I was in this classroom and several more came to say hi, and God granted me the ability to remember all of their names.

Thankful..

Reflecting on this Thanksgiving there is so many things to be thankful for. Trying to push my mind past the obvious family, friends, shelter, and food. I am trying to think of specific events and experiences that happened this year that I am thankful for. So, here is my list:

1. I am thankful for teaching at Warrendale for two weeks. It taught me a lot of who I am as a teacher.

2. I am thankful for having a job in Michigan. I realize now more than ever that it is truly a privilege I should not take for granted.

3. I am thankful for being a building substitute because it has taught me humbleness I would not have had any other way.

4. I am thankful for my husband because he stretches my mind, heart and soul to be more like Christ. He helps calm my spirit when I stress out over making rolls.

5. I am thankful for living so close to my Mom and Dad who we can love on and have compassion for. We eat dinner, share supplies and stop by often.

6. I am thankful for remaining close with my friends in the Carolinas..I am so blessed to continue to have such encouraging people in my life, especially when I call often and stress out

7. I am thankful for having a church that speaks truth into my life, love having my small group

8. I am thankful for having family to celebrate Thanksgiving with today

9. I am thankful for vacations with friends-Myrtle Beach, Wine Vineyards, trip home to Michigan to see Anna

10. I am thankful for my home that took 2 months to find..I love that I have more space than a 12X12 room and I get to enjoy this home with my husband.

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!!

A hair cut that has gone wrong

So 6 months ago I ventured into unknown territory, I got a perm. I went to a stylist that recently permed my good friends hair and I obsessed over it for months. I gained up enough courage to get one myself. While I squirmed with anxiousness as they coated my hair with the terrible smelling solution, I hoped that my hair would turn out O.K. To my surprise, I loved it. It was loose curls that I have wanted my whole life. I enjoyed this hairdo for 6 months. However, I came to a crossroads where I needed to decide what to do next. I decided to brave the terrible smell once again and perm my hair. The nervousness however was not there. I knew what I wanted, I brought in pictures, and explained very clearly, (LOOSE CURLS and largest rollers) the one unknown variable a different hairstylist, not brand new, my hairstylist back home in Michigan, perfectly capable of being trusted. So, I am sitting in the chair, anxiously awaiting my loose awesome curls and then she took off the towel and I saw the massacre that was my hair. In the mirror in front of me was a crimped 90s version of a perm. The one that is so tight, it's almost ringlets. My mind began to race, the damage has been done, what am I to do. I went home with my mind racing. What am I going to do? So I did what any normal girl would do when they feel their hair has been ruined by their hairstylist, I cried and cried. Then, I started crying because I was getting this upset about hair, something I have always claimed I don't care that much about, but here I am crying over my 90s crimp, no curl, crimp. I spared you an actual picture, because I am not ready to face anyone yet, but I did supply you with a picture of how I believe the disaster to look. To top it all off, I can not wash or alter my hair for 48 hours and I get to enjoy the horrid, gagging perm smell for the next 48 hours. I know I will survive, but it still hurts. I am hoping to get past my wallowing and accept what has been done.

Decisions, Decisions

My husband and I both share the passion of traveling. We desire to see as much of the world as we can before we die. We feel that God's creation is so amazing, we want to take in every piece of it. Some people spend money on electronics, furniture or the latest and greatest things, we choose to save and go on vacation. For the past two years, we have been saving to take a trip to Europe. We were going to travel to England, France and Italy. However, recently our church had a worldwide celebrations event to showcase the amazing things God is doing around the world and it really tugged at our hearts. There are several short term missions trips available and we are considering spending our travel money to serve God in Thailand or India and forgo our Europe trip. However, which place to attend is the tricky part. Both amazing countries, both would be building orphanages for children. Thailand is in January and India is in February, I believe. Just recently we choose to sponsor a girl, from the orphanage my sister-in-law helped build, Boolo, is her name and she is 12, so precious. Any thoughts on which country we should go to???

Still in prayer and excited to serve...

Isn't It Ironic??

So I have a large fear of needles. I know this is kind of a problem when it comes to having a baby, trust me I've been dealing with that thought for years. But this always means that I do not under any circumstances give blood or get a flu shot. And as you can imagine as a teacher, I am around children with runny noses, touching, germs everywhere. So, like almost every year I came down with the flu. I do not recall it being this painful. I could not get the correct body temperature to save my life yesterday and today as I got my first day of meds, I got sick off of them. When I called the pharmacy to ask why I just got sick, they told me I was not supposed to take the meds together. Friends quote for a moment " THEY SHOULD PUT THAT ON THE BOX, IN BIG BOLD LETTERS". It doesn't say anywhere. Needless to say that as I am growing up, I am starting to contemplate this whole 2 seconds of pain for the 3 days of bed rest/sick. I said considering, I haven't made up my mind yet as to the large, sharp needle that will pierce my skin. Well, for now I am a helpless creature lying in the basement, because I have been quarantine by my parents, and can not help work on my house.